THE most pointless play ever
by Orli1
Summary: title says all


VOICE: Santa is a goat. I'll prove it if you really want me to!  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away there lived 4 really weird people.  
  
Nana: I'm Nana.  
  
Popo: I'm Popo.  
  
Aiai: I'm Aiai.  
  
Meemee: I'm Meemee.  
  
Voice: I like scotch tape.  
  
Aiai: We must go immediately to a hospital.  
  
Voice: A hospital! What is it?  
  
Aiai: It's a big building with many people, but that's not important.  
  
   
  
Voice: ...  
  
   
  
Aiai: Never mind.  
  
They all shrug and turn around and walk home.  
  
NEXT DAY  
  
Voice: You are all very special! I will assign all of you on a mission! Do you understand and mark my words?  
  
Nana: Ummm...  
  
Popo: errr....  
  
Meemee: I like bologna!  
  
Aiai: ...  
  
Voice: Well, do you?  
  
Meemee: Will this mission be easy?  
  
Voice: *nods*  
  
Meemee: How can a voice nod?  
  
Voice: *shrugs*  
  
Meemee: ... OK ...  
  
Voice: Anyway, if you really want to do this, please raise your hand and place it on your head. Then do a tap dance on a table, repeating the word "Street Lamp". Then you can go on this mission.  
  
Everyone: *follows the directions*  
  
Voice: Well, now, that was fun, wasn't it?  
  
Popo: That was ridiculous.  
  
Voice: I know. I just did it for laughs. Anyway, I will assign the mission right now! Listen carefully!  
  
Everyone: *Listens carefully*  
  
Voice: The purple haze that smells like banana and strawberry yogurt has appeared all across America. Animals are going crazy, businesses are shutting, people are running around blindly and are ending up in places they would never even think about ending up in, and random things are being aimed and thrown in all directions. The World is in turmoil! Here is what you must do:  
  
1) Talk to the headless people  
  
2) Get directions to the chocolate factory  
  
3) Find the giant purple eye that's larger than a normal eye (hence the word *giant*)  
  
4) Speak to Mulder and Scully  
  
5) Speak to the Purple People Eater  
  
6) Whack each other upside the head with a brick  
  
Then come back to see me and I shall give you a reward. Do you agree?  
  
Everyone: Yes!  
  
Aiai: No!  
  
Everyone: Yes!  
  
Aiai: No!  
  
Everyone: Yes!  
  
Aiai: Wonder what's on HBO tonight.  
  
Voice: Then go! Seek the treasures hither upon the mountaintop, whereby the noon sun falleth upon thou Big Brown Stupid Mountains raising afar toward the East! If you shall not be final done by moon full upon stars bright, death upon you shall fall! Now go before Yoda and I begin our tea party!  
  
Meemee: Did you get that?  
  
Aiai: No. But never argue with a Voice that thinks Santa is a goat.  
  
Voice: But it's true!  
  
   
  
Everyone: ... OK ...  
  
*Everyone prances home merrily and returns the next day*  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
Bob: It's so boring being headless.  
  
Bill: Yeah.  
  
Bob: It's so sad, too.  
  
Bill: Yeah.  
  
Bob: I can't see what anyone looks like...  
  
Bill: Yeah.  
  
   
  
Bob: And no one can see what we look like.  
  
   
  
Bill: Yeah.  
  
Bob: Let's go eat some lunch.  
  
Bill: OK.  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
*A little while later*  
  
Popo: Hey! I just heard Tarzan!  
  
*Tarzan comes swinging down to the company*  
  
Tarzan: Aaaaiiii aiaiaiai, aiaiaiaiaiaiaaaaaaah! I come in peace. What you all look for?  
  
Nana: The headless people.  
  
Tarzan: Ah! I know where they locate. We go!  
  
*Everyone gets into an airplane accompanied by the Purple People Eater and Tarzan steers them toward the Land of the Headless People*  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
Bill: Look! Up in the Air!  
  
Bob: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a-  
  
Bill: It is a plane, dummy!  
  
Bob: Oh.  
  
Everyone: Tarzan! Watch out for that-  
  
*Bill and Bob watch as a weird looking plane falls from the sky and crashes into a tree*  
  
Audience: Oooooooooh!  
  
Voice: I know there's not an audience, but if there was, then that's what they would say.  
  
Bill: Where did that voice come from?  
  
Bob: I dunno.  
  
Voice: I'm always here. Just ignore me.  
  
Bill and Bob: OK.  
  
Bill: Wait a minute... isn't it George of the Jungle that's supposed crash into trees?  
  
Bob: Yeah... but they don't know that.  
  
Bill: Okay...  
  
*Nana, Popo, Meemee, Aiai, Tarzan, and the Purple People Eater step out of the plane*  
  
Voice: Oh WOW! Look! It's TARZAN! AND the Purple People Eater!  
  
Nana: Oh, just shut up already!  
  
Voice: Me?  
  
Nana: Yeah! We're trying to get on with the story!  
  
Voice: OK. But beware falling objects.  
  
*All of a sudden, it starts raining water, hail, snow, and computers*  
  
Bill: Come with us! We will take you to shelter!  
  
Tarzan: Hey! That my line! *gets hit by a moniter* Ugh...  
  
Bill: Come!  
  
*Everyone walks nearby to a house made of flowers. They walk inside and sit down at a table made of marshmallows, eat chocolate strawberries made out of chocolate and strawberries, and... talk*  
  
Purple People Eater: *scratches his head*  
  
Nana: So, um, mister...  
  
Purple People Eater: You can call me the Purple People Eater... or Joe.  
  
Nana: OK, Joe. Here, have a strawberry. *Hands Joe a strawberry*   
  
Joe: Um... thanks...  
  
Nana: You're welcome.  
  
Joe: I think I'm going to go now.  
  
Meemee: OK.  
  
Joe: ...Yes. Maybe I should *Grabs a hat and a cane, then dances out the door singing the rooftop song from "Mary Poppins"*  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
6 HOURS, 4 MINUTES, 3 SECONDS, 4 MILLISECONDS, 1 NANOSECOND, 1/4 ROTATION OF THE EARTH AND 7 ARGUMENTS LATER  
  
Nana: OK. We talked to the headless people and the Purple People Eater. Now what?  
  
Voice: Well, duh. Go to the chocolate factory. But hey! You did it out of order! OH MY! Death upon you shall befall!  
  
Popo: Does it really matter?  
  
Voice: *shrugs* No.  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
*They all then magically end up at a chocolate factory*  
  
Tarzan: Me love chocolate!  
  
Meemee: How did he end up here?  
  
Nana: You're asking me?  
  
Meemee: Uh, no, I guess not.  
  
Aiai: Now what?  
  
Voice: Well, you are at the chocolate factory...  
  
Aiai: No kidding.  
  
Voice: On to the next step!  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
*Everyone looks around and sees the chocolate factory is infested by monkeys*  
  
Nana: Well, that was uncalled for.  
  
Popo: *tries to speak to monkeys* Have any of you seen a big giant purple eye?  
  
Monkey #1: ...  
  
Monkey #2: Ooooh ooh oooh aaahaaah aaah!  
  
Tarzan: Ohh aaaah ah?  
  
Monkey #2: Aaaah Aaah ooooooh ooh ooh ooh.  
  
Tarzan: Ahh! Oooh aaaah aaah ooh ooh aah!  
  
Monkey #2: ooh!  
  
Tarzan: So, you know where located purple eye is?  
  
Monkey #2: Yes.  
  
Voice: ... this story keeps getting weirder and weirder...  
  
Nana: Ah, look!  
  
*Suddenly, the room is tainted with a pearly glow as a giant pumpkin carriage with two two white horses stops in front of the "gang". Out steps Cinderella*  
  
Cinderella: Is anyone lookin' fer this? *Holds out something really large, icky, and purple*  
  
Popo: Yes! Where did you find it?  
  
Cinderella: Well, I was about to marry Prince Charmin' when allava sudden there came a big "sploosh" and this here thang here landed here in my lap.  
  
Popo: OK. Must've gotton the story mixed up. *Takes the eye from Cinderella*  
  
Cinderella: Well, I've gotta be goin'. I'll talk to y'all soon time! *gets into the pumpkin and flies off to never-never land*  
  
Voice: Who was that?  
  
Meemee: It was Cinderella.  
  
Voice: WHAT?! CINDERELLA? IN THIS STORY?  
  
Meemee: Um... yeah... the writer ... added her in...  
  
Voice: Oh yeah!  
  
Meemee: Now look what you did. You messed up the story! *glares*  
  
Writer: Well, it is my story... *glares back*  
  
Aiai: So we have the big purple eye. What do we do now?  
  
Voice: Speak to Mulder and Scully.  
  
Meemee: And how in tarnation do we do that?  
  
Writer: *Out of nowhere* You just do.  
  
Meemee: *glares*  
  
Writer: *glares*  
  
Popo: OK. Let's go visit the set of the X-Files.  
  
*All are magically warped to the set of the X-Files*  
  
Nana: We made it!  
  
Writer: With the help of *me*  
  
Meemee: *glares*  
  
Writer: *glares* Anyway, there's the cast. On with the story!  
  
~*~*~  
  
  
  
Chris Carter: Cut! OK people! Five minute caffeine break!  
  
Scully: *yawns*  
  
Mulder: Boy, I'm beat.  
  
Scully: You can say that again.  
  
Mulder: Boy, I'm beat.  
  
Scully: Hey look! Who are those people? And is that Tarzan?  
  
Tarzan: *blinks* *sees a flutterby and chases it out the door*  
  
Mulder: That was weird.  
  
Nana: OK... we see the cast and all, so now what do we talk about?  
  
Popo: ... Hey Mulder! Scully!  
  
Mulder and Scully: Yeah?  
  
Popo: Got any bricks we can borrow?  
  
Mulder and Scully: ...  
  
Meemee: Well?  
  
Mulder and Scully: ...  
  
Meemee: Are you going to answer?  
  
Mulder and Scully: ...  
  
Meemee: Hello?  
  
Mulder and Scully: ...  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Voice: Here comes Chris Carter!  
  
Chris Carter: *Walks in holding a teacup, sees everyone, then turns around and walks away*  
  
Voice: Here comes Chris Carter again!  
  
Chris Carter: *Lugs a bag of bricks behind him* I overheard you, so I decided to help out.  
  
Aiai: *Grabs a brick and whacks Chris upside the head with it*  
  
Voice: *Uses mental telepathy to turn a brick into a bar of soap*  
  
Chris: Ouch. *falls unconcious*  
  
Mulder: *Notices Chris is unconcious* Do you want free food for the rest of the week!?  
  
Crew: *cheers*  
  
Scully: Do you want all the coffee you can drink!?  
  
Crew: *cheers*  
  
Mulder: Do you not want to wake up in the morning so early anymore!?  
  
Crew: *cheers*  
  
Scully: Do you like to eat spaghetti-o's for breakfast?!  
  
Crew: *Looks at each other. There's a lot of head scratching and feet shuffling. Someone burps*  
  
Scully: *shrugs*  
  
Aiai: *walks over to the middle of the casting room and starts a fire*  
  
Meemee: Marshmallows, anyone?  
  
*Everyone sits around the toasty fire, ignoring the fire alarm ringing in the background and the emergency water shower thingies raining on them*  
  
Scully: *sings a song*  
  
Popo: *Whacks Scully upside the head with a brick*  
  
Scully: Ouch.  
  
Mulder: *Whacks Popo upside the head with a brick for whacking Scully upside the head with a brick*  
  
Nana: *Whacks Mulder upside the head with a brick for whacking Popo upside the head with a brick for whacking Scully upside the head with a brick for singing a song*  
  
   
  
Voice: Sheesh! This is getting way outta hand! *Transports them all to a room with no windows and doors*  
  
   
  
Everyone: ... OK ...  
  
*The Voice gives them all the flu... and a million dollars*  
  
   
  
Everyone: *Magically teleported with the rest of the gang back to their homes*  
  
   
  
Mulder: I know we didn't do anything, but hey! We get a million dollars too!  
  
   
  
Scully: *Looks at Mulder and Shrugs* Hmmm.... 


End file.
